. . . Dear Weekend athlete
You don't have to be a genetically altered gym monkey to climb on natural rock. Our classes are designed to teach average human beings how to understand and ENJOY rock climbing. The most strenuous part of the class might actually be the hike to the climbing site -- with my steamer trunk stuffed in your backpack. You don't expect me to carry my own gear, do you? I'm a Diva.
p.s. I can't do a one-armed pull up either. My paws keep slipping off the bar.

Ms. Madness

. . . Dear Chompin'
Our classes are designed to take you directly from the beginning class (Climbing 1) into our intermediate level class (Climbing 2). No additional climbing experience is required, however, we heartily recommend you climb with an experienced climber every chance you get. In Climbing 2, we will introduce new climbing techniques and build on the repertoire you learned in Climbing 1 -- and the level of difficulty may be noticeable for some. If you struggled with your technique in the first class, you might consider a refresher or get in some additional climbing time with a partner.

Ms. Madness

. . . Dear Planning
Let me answer with another question: After your first Driver Education class, were you experienced enough to take the family car to Ft. Lauderdale for Spring Break? I think not. Your dad still sat next to you in the front seat until he was sure he could afford the insurance, right?

In the two-day anchor class, we will teach you the art and science of setting bomb-proof toprope anchors. Unless you slept through the entire class, you should be ready to set simple anchors with no problems. For more complex anchors using removable pro, nothing takes the place of experience. Practice. Practice. Practice.
We strongly encourage you to take your new knowledge and climb with a more experienced climbing partner until you've truly synthesized the information in your data banks. Have your partner check your top-rope anchors before you bet the farm.

Ms. Madness

. . . Dear Unsure
Excellent questions. Anyone can claim to be a qualified rock climbing guide - and how are you supposed to know otherwise?

First, certification is not the only measure of qualification. My recommendation is to ask questions and do your homework. When did your guide start guiding professionally? With which guide service? Where has he/she guided? Can he/she provide referrences from a professional guide service? Follow up on references. You can learn a lot from current and past employers. (By the way, taking friends out and showing them the ropes does not qualify as professional guiding - even if they did pay you with dinner and brewskies afterward.)

As far as certification is concerned, the state of Texas does not require anyone to become certified before clipping a guide service sign to a carabiner. Becoming certified in Texas is strictly voluntary. If a guide claims to be certified, contact the organization with which the guide claims to have certification, and ask for verification. For example, the American Mountain Guides Association (AMGA) posts a list of certified rock and alpine guides on their website at: http://www.amga.com/guides/index.html.

If your guide claims to be currently certified by the AMGA, his/her name should appear on the AMGA roster. If you can't find your guide listed, that falls under the category of things that make you go "hmmm". The same principle applies to membership information. If your guide claims to be a 'Professional Member' of the AMGA, be aware that the AMGA only has three levels of membership: Associate, Individual and Student.

Don't be afraid to ask questions. Remember, on the Internet, anyone can be tall, rich and good looking. (I am neither tall nor rich...)

Ms. Madness

. . . Dear Desperate
Children are always welcome in our classes. We have LOTS of experience teaching youngsters. In fact, Mountain Madness has been teaching scout troops and youth groups for over 18 years and has more experience than any other climbing school around. And we LOVE kids.

Your older two climbers-to-be are at a really good age to start climbing. Their strength to body weight ratio will help them climb almost anything. Unfortunately for the youngest one, our minimum age is eight. It's an attention span thing. As a mother of a six-year-old, I think you know what I mean... Besides, no one is allowed in our classes who has an attention span shorter than mine.

Oh, I feel a nap attack coming on.....zzz...

Ms. Madness

. . . Dear Scout Master
I applaud your scouts for wanting to earn their Climbing Merit Badge. The BSA advancement program is a wonderful program that helps young people develop new skills and strengthen their self-confidence. The objective behind the climbing merit badge is to help scouts learn to become safe climbing partners. So, let's think about that.

Climbing is an inherently dangerous sport. Safety is extremely important and there are a lot of factors a climber must consider before going for a quick dash up the side of Half Dome. Most of the Climbing Merit Badge requirements focus on outdoor climbing conditions and safety considerations. How, exactly does one impart that information and make it real in an artificial indoor environment? I have a pretty healthy imagination, but I'm having a tough time imagining that scenario.

Let's be serious for just a moment (but for only a moment). For the sake of perspective, let's compare climbing with camping. Camping, relatively speaking, is a pretty non-dangerous sport compared to climbing. Okay, you could accidently throw your sleeping bag down on an ant hill in the dark (done that) or pitch your tent on the edge of a creek that suddenly gets washed away in a flash flood (done that, too), or you could meet up with a bear in the bushes while answering the call of nature in the middle of the night (knew someone who did that). Come to think of it, camping sucks. AND, the Camping Merit Badge requires 20 days and 20 nights of camping, in addition to 9 other requirements that focus on preparedness, experience and safety. So if it takes 20 days and 20 nights of preparedness, experience and safety to earn a Camping Merit Badge, how the heck can you earn a Climbing Merit Badge in four hours? That makes less sense than hiking the South Rim of the Grand Canyon in stilleto heels. I can honestly say I've never done that. I fell and broke a nail on the way down and had to turn back.

My recommendation is to take a holistic approach to earning the merit badge. Keep the learning fun and have your scouts learn about climbing a step at a time. Allow them to enjoy the thrill of climbing on their first outing, then build on their learnings by making the requirements relevant to their climbing experience. They should always keep their eye on the goal, but they should not be allowed to miss the journey along the way. The merit badge is only a scrap of cloth, but the process of becoming a climber, learning to overcome fear, and respecting the challenge presented by a mighty rock is an experience that will serve them for a lifetime. And isn't that really the spirit and ethic behind earning the merit badge?

Ms. Madness